The Beej is a piece of erotic Ninja Sex Party fanfiction written by Ninja Brian for the purposes of annoying Danny Sexbang. Brian frequently threatens to perform fellatio on Danny. The fanfiction was first mentioned in an episode of Steam Train, and was presumably uploaded to Ninja Sex Party's website before the episode was uploaded. Brian took it down shortly after, but was recovered by fans. Although the story is used as means to annoy Danny, it is ultimately better than Fifty Shades of Grey.
History[edit | edit source]
The fanfiction was first mentioned in public in the Steam Train episode Tunnel of Love, where Ross reads the beginning of the fanfiction, only to make Danny embarrassed. Around the same time, Brian is supposed to have uploaded the entire fanfiction to Ninja Sex Party's website around August 2013, when the Steam train episode was uploaded. March 2014, fans discovered the entire fanfiction on Ninja Sex Party's website, which led Brian to remove the content, replacing it with a quote from Vladimir Nabokov's "Pale Fire":
A thousand years ago five minutes were
Equal to forty ounces of fine sand.
Outstare the stars. Infinite foretime and
Infinite aftertime: above your head
They close like giant wings, and you are dead.
The Beej by Ninja Brian[edit | edit source]
Chapter 1[edit | edit source]
"I've never done this before. At least, not with another man," said Danny as he entered Brian's luxurious penthouse apartment overlooking Central Park. The smell of pure undiluted testosterone was nearly overpowering, although Danny was determined to continue through towards what he imagined would be the most intense physical pleasure he had ever experienced. Brian just nodded and motioned Danny towards the trapdoor to the beejatorium. It was gonna be one hell of a Tuesday night.
Chapter 2[edit | edit source]
Danny opened the trapdoor only to reveal a staircase covered in the finest velvet, leading into the darkness below. The strains of "Passage to Bangkok" wafted through the air, played by the stereo system on Brian's private helicopter, which was stationed just outside the window to the apartment, hovering, waiting. Danny began to head down the stairs, but quickly stopped when he realized that Brian was no longer behind him. Danny looked around the room and quickly found Brian relaxing on fur chaise longue just below the crystal chandelier, slowly applying layer upon layer of his vanity brand of lip balm, "Transient Decadence." Now it was Danny's turn to beckon Brian, who put the cover on his lip balm and placed it prominently in his front right pocket, so that the outline of its hard cylindrical plastic case formed a delicate protuberance visible through the waist fringes of his professionally tailored leather pants. Brian fixed his gaze on Danny, slowly rose up out of the chaise, and playfully yet brusquely pushed Danny down the stairs in a way that was initially not cool but gradually became cool. As Danny tumbled down the velvet, a sly smile crept across his face as he realized that this evening was going to be about one thing, and one thing alone: Him.
Chapter 3[edit | edit source]
Danny awoke slowly. He could not tell how much time had passed. Perhaps only seconds, but possibly hours. Although Danny's eyes had not yet adjusted to the darkness around him, he could sense movement. The stench of man-sweat assaulted his tender nostrils in much the same way that he would soon have his junk assaulted by Brian's eager, probing mouth. He could still faintly hear Rush playing in the darkness, but the song had moved on to a live version of "Tom Sawyer" which the band had played at Brian's celebrity-filled 35th birthday party held on international waters on a chartered yacht captained by supermodels. As his limbs brushed against 500-thread count satin velvet sheets, Danny realized that he was in Brian's custom-made solid oak bed. Somebody must have gently placed him there while unconscious, and although he had no memory of the event, Danny appreciated the tender way in which he had been tucked in, stripped of all his clothes, given a full-body shave, rubbed down with white rose petals, and patted dry.
Suddenly, the sound of freshly moistened lips smacking together rang through the darkness, and a shadow approached the bedside. It was Brian, and he was carrying the glow-in-the-dark lotion sampler given to him by President Obama, a personal friend.
"I see you're already hard," winked Brian. "Good. You'll be needing that."
Chapter 4[edit | edit source]
Slowly yet violently, Brian placed his perfectly manicured right hand on the sheet covering Danny and ripped it off the bed, throwing it so that it landed in a perfectly folded pile next to the extensive collection of erotic Grecian sculpture Brian acquired on one of his many all-expenses paid trips to Europe. Brian squirted an inappropriately large amount of lotion into his velvety, grabby palms. Danny softly moaned with anticipation, boredom, or one of his many other irrelevant and uninteresting emotions. Brian brusquely slapped his lotion-filled hands onto Danny's hairy, unflattering thighs, and slowly began to rub in small circular motions while whispering the lyrics to the Journey song "Any Way You Want It", which Brian had ghost written by himself, with no help. As Danny's thighs got moister and moister, Brian's hands worked their way up into Danny's poorly maintained man-bush. And just as Brian was about to take a one-way trip to Sacktown, he paused.
"IT IS TIME!" screamed Brian, slamming his open mouth onto Danny's erect and unimpressive penis.
Danny passed out from pleasure/terror/nobody cares, and so it began.
Chapter 5[edit | edit source]
10.3 million years later, Danny awoke on the surface of Gropinius IV in the #Butt system. Robot Brian was asleep on top of him, his metal mouth surrounding Danny's still-erect and still-not-very-impressive dick.
"What happened?" asked Danny, stupidly, scratching his dumb face. "Wh-where are we?"
Robot Brian awoke with a start and began to speak in a metallic, commanding voice, not unlike that of a young Benedict Cumberbatch if he had been a robot or whatever.
"Danny, many eons have now passed since first I began to beej you. As you may well imagine, the beej started out amazingly. Although you were asleep, your body was racked with pleasure as my human mouth began to expertly work its way around your pallid, distasteful groin. I did every thing a man could do to another man, including stuff I had to look up online because I had never heard of it because it was too gross. And despite all my mouth efforts, you slept. Cities rose and fell, and still you slept. All of human consciousness was uploaded to a vast database, and our bodies were replaced by superior synthetic ones, and still you slept. And even once I had robot hands and used them to rub you all over, especially in ways I know would not have been cool with you had you been awake, still you slept. As Earth blew up for some reason, I carried you to the final escaping starship, my mouth all the while on your disgusting wiener, and took you here, to the most distant human colony. As I continued to work you over, still you slept. And gradually, after every other member of the human race had gone, the pace at which my mouth was bobbing up and down on your eager, boring shaft slowed. And then I slept."
Robot Brian paused, and stood.
"And now," said Robot Brian, metal hands held aloft in triumph, "I shall finish you off."
Danny gasped in pleasure or something as Robot Brian threw himself towards Danny's gross junk. Using exactly the perfect amount of mouth friction, Robot Brian brought Danny to the brink of ecstasy. And then stopped.
And once again, stood.
"Just kidding, bro!" laughed Robot Brian. "I'd never give you a REAL beej. That'd be gross! HIGH FIVE!"
As Robot Brian reached out his hand for an amazing high five, Danny died, and the human race died with him.
"Well, that wasn't very cool of him," thought Robot Brian to himself as he began masturbating into the sunset. "That wasn't cool at all."
Notes and references[edit | edit source]
- ninja sexparty.com. "The Beej" Archived from the original on 29 March 2014.
- bloodyscrollox.tumblr.com. "So it would seem The Beej got taken off the NSP website?" Archived from the original on 24 August 2015.
- pastebin.com. "the beej" Archived from the original on 02 December 2014.
- reddit.com/r/gamegrumps. "the beej" Archived from the original on 24 August 2015.
- He was correct.